Zoë was telling me about an article in the Guardian at the weekend, which said that trading standards was considering outlawing the word “cheeze” to refer to vegan alternatives to cheese. It wasn’t just cheeze in their sights but all the other words in that genre like chick’n, which I’d heard of, and m!lk, which I hadn’t. In case you weren’t sure whether the people who had proposed this were killjoys, the article included a sentence that read “the document says plant-based brands should not use homophones, asterisked characters or other wordplay.” Quite right too – I mean, how dare they? Down with wordplay!

But really, it all feels so needless. The whole point of calling a product, for example, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is that it’s implicit in the name that it’s not butter. Nobody is being misled, and once you’ve tasted I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, I can’t believe you’d honestly think it was butter, either. It’s easy for contrarians to moan about products branded as “vegan mozzarella”, but surely nobody wants that rebranded as “vegan soft-white balls with a light cheese flavour”, do they? That’s just balls, in the worst sense.

The one thing I do have sympathy with trading standards about, though, is that particular word. Cheeze. Because if I ever sweep to power (and I’m coming to terms with the fact that it looks increasingly unlikely) one of the first things I’d do is outlaw the unnecessary use of fake Zs. This started out in mobile phone shops called things like Fone Bitz – would it kill them to spell either of the words correctly? – but it’s since infected all manner of brand names.

I’ve complained before about a gentleman’s hairdresser called Ladz Barbers, down the Oxford Road. I suppose we should be grateful that they’ve only swapped one of the Ss for a Z: it’s across the road from Biryani Boyzz, which has no such qualms and has swapped a single S for two Zs. That’s inflation for you. There’s also a Biryani Boyzz down the Wokingham Road, not far from Milano’Z Pizza on the other side of the road. I can forgive the apostrophe, but not the capitalisation.

And it turns out there’s also a Milano’Z Pizza down the Oxford Road, so perhaps this particular kind of epically bad spelling is catching. I had a quick Google to confirm all this and Google said Did you mean Milano’s Pizza? I wish I did. At the time of writing the Biryani Boyzz on the Wokingham Road has a hygiene rating of zero: it might not just be the bad spelling that’s contagious.

Anyway, I begin with this crabby, middle-aged rant because the subject of this week’s review is another culprit. I first spotted Yo Momoz, in the Wokingham Road’s Z contagion zone, on my walk back in January from Hala Lebanese, a restaurant which is presumably only weeks away from rebranding as Hala Lebaneze. It’s worth paying attention heading up the Wokingham Road or the Oxford Road because you invariably spot something new, something that wasn’t there last time you checked: it’s how I pass off those trips to Double Barrelled on the number 17 bus as vital research.